what does passion bring you?

regret, jealousy, and more pain.

maybe i should just try to be a realist.

help me. help me refuel my fast-draining belief in everything.

when everything is so full of uncertainties, when i have no idea which path to take, when the journey is gonna be so long, when effort doesnt promise results. and the worst is when i start doubting myself, and the people around me.

passion and faith. please sustain me.

sick for the third or forth week omg i lost count! arghhhhh i am so so so sick of coughing so frequently, so tired of waking up in the middle of the night just because i couldnt stop coughing and i have to rush to toilet to vomit/ continue coughing so that i wont wake my roommate up. so sian of coughing too loudly during lectures cause i cant resist it and so embarrased when alot of people turn and look at me.

ok i have to admit that before last week i really didnt take my cough too seriously and continue eating stuff that might worsen it. BUT NOW I AM DAMN CONSCIOUS OF WHAT I EAT. i feel like i am 守戒-ing along with the huangcheng people -.- No chilli (and i dont know how i survive), no instant noodles (spicy/curry/kimchi whatever!), no cold drink, no starbucks, no macs etc etc. i just dont have the appetite to eat anything (other than the constant need for cough medicine and plain water) and i am eating just to fill my stomach. and the thing is that i think i gain weight after all this! fml!

i am really getting more worried about my cough since block test is coming up :/ and trying to be considerate to not pass it to the rest. i even become so saliva conscious to make sure no one catches my bug. and i am considering to get lungs xray after gordon's advice. sigh i really really hope i get well soon :(

and i am putting my BT1 results right in front of me while i do work to scare myself and remind myself i will not let history repeat :/

today is such a bad day. everything is just so fked up. so bad that i became so skeptical about every single thing around me.

i have been trying to survive without a phone and it has been rather difficult to keep myself updated with alot of things. but that doesnt mean that i dont care about everything and i dont need to be informed about some stuff. i am still the ic afterall. i have no idea why i am so agitated also but arghhh. and some ppl from my junior class is annoying me with all those angel mortal shit. i was just trying to be sincere and enthu about the game. arghhhhhh everything is just not right. and i had this thought of 'why should i care' towards everything today. like, why should i care about angel mortal since they are not replying or not even sincere? why should i care about my cca? why should i push myself more in everything? why should i care, when no one else does. why should why should i. maybe i just lost the motivation for now. and this is damn scary. because i cant really find answers to all my questions. everyone will say 'you should care because it's for your own good' but nah, thats not enough to push me more.

i am starting to hate school, because it's making me feel like a loser.  

but at least today the j1s spur me on. they are really enthu (Y) and i have to push myself more for them, until next friday at least

New Year Resolutions

Talked to ja a few days ago, and i realised i have been muddling along from day to day. Even though only one month has passed, i could already tell that i am just letting my j2 days pass like that. Just like that. I cant say that nothing significant or nothing much has happened. I just feel like i am not trying my best in everything i do. School work, CCA, fac comm, and even the gel lessons. I am not putting in much effort into everything i do, and hence not gaining much out of everything.

And ja said that he spent most of his j2 life like this. Not absorbing enough from lectures and tutorials, not learning more during dance prac. Seems like it's a common problem right? Especially when we get busy and for me, i will be able to find so many excuses for myself. But i am determined to stop this! I need to stop wasting my j2 days (which i should really really treasure from now on!)

So, my only resolution for this year is to stay focus in every single thing i do (at least those that i really care about). Sounds simple but it's not D: For studies, i am gonna try my best to pay attention and learn as much as i can during lectures and tutorials, and not dao-ing everything until the last minute! I need to find some driving force for this, and pushes myself more D: 

For dance prac, i have to really really absorb whatever anan teaches us, and improve improve i need to improve!!!!! Anan's prac is like so precious now! More power more strength more energy more control! I need to stop giving myself excuses like i am too tired to neglect all these important stuff!!!

And for orientation (which starts tmr :O), focus focus focus! Try my best in everything. And make the best out of it! :D 

Ok maybe this is a bit late but oh wells, better late than never! :D